Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 009
Can it really have been two entire years since I last felt so enthusiastic about even a single aspect of the multiverse that I wished to offer it thanks in a slightly more tangible form than is currently allowable due to the fascist nature of our continuously, disappointingly literal capitalist social structure but was reduced to pouring out long run-on sentences instead? Since my Tumblr theme adamantly refuses to tell me the actual date I cannot be certain but I would not at all be surprised if this was so because my dears, what a pair of years it has been, so let us proceed post-haste to scrabble together some semblance of positivity and celebrate yet another small slice of existence that makes it almost worth getting out of bed in the morning, in this case
Friends I admit it there are indeed instances where silence is something you have to pay for as for example when you are on a plane with a couple of hundred mouth-breathing wailing germ factories who seem set on disturbing you with their foul smells and incessant shrieking complaints - occasionally some of them bring children, too - and you are eternally grateful for that time you went without food for four days and lived off biscuits scrounged from the break room at work so you could purchase a pair of outrageously expensive isolating noise-cancelling headphones which make you look like ten kinds of prat but leave you blissfully alone in a world inhabited only by the 1,500 songs on your iPod which, you now realise at 40,000 feet - or whatever it is I don’t actually know things like that but the point is you are incapable of doing anything about it - you have heard thousands of times each and are thoroughly bored of. In the same vein let us move briskly past the wonders of double glazing, decent building materials, top-floor apartments and property in better suburbs than yours where drunken madmen presumably do not start shouting fistfights outside your bedroom window at four in the morning every morning.
Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 008
Existence as all of us know or ought to know if we have done this week’s readings you turtle-neck clad pretender is the foregrounding of something against the backgrounding of nothing. Extension cannot be perceived in a state or unbroken homogeneity which is precisely why I have found it difficult to count my blessings of late; there is nothing else against which to contrast them. Also I am worked to the very bare and aching bone my dearies but the bills are being paid and I have somehow found the time to bring you another rant delivered at breathless pace with a lack of respect for punctuation on the topic of
REASONABLY PRICED DRINKS
Is it Sydney or Australia or the value of our dollar on anything but consumer electronics that causes me to miss Europe with a longing like unto, I avow, that which I feel towards tea at about half six in the morning? It is true that you could not source a decent mojito nor any other refreshing long drink from coast to … whatever is on the other side of Western Europe I did not penetrate that far, but whatever you were served it seemed to cost about zero Euro.
Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 007
Earlier on I felt the stirring pangs of returning anemia and thought to myself that it is about time I wrote another delightful piece of mood lifting insight, this time inspired by my ability to go more than ten minutes without falling over and being unable to get up for ten minutes, during which time I crawl feebly along the floor calling weakly for iron tablets. You have already guessed that today we celebrate that most important of all dietary requirements:
You may argue that meat is not free but I’m telling you that a woman (or verily any other individual but we are largely discussing me right now) has to have a certain amount of protein in her diet and if the dollars do not go on pieces of dead animal it is going to go on tofu and powdered I don’t even want to know what as long as it keeps me upright.
Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 006
The Japanese word for “busy” literally translates as “kill me now I haven’t got the stamina for this kind of lifestyle and I don’t believe any of you have either”, but linguistic oddities aside, it is hard to stop and figuratively smell the roses when you are strapped to the side of a commuter train that cannot decelerate below two hundred and seventy kilometres per hour or it will explode, also figuratively but don’t make me spell it out for you. Somehow or other I have found the time so let us join hands and skip merrily onwards into a delightful woodland fair put on by the bunnies and birdies and adorable baby fauns in honour of
Sleep, believe it or not, is completely and utterly one hundred percent free. Nobody will ever ask you to give any money for it; in fact there are professions where they pay you good money just to go without it, and it is for this reason that our trucking industry benefits from the strict policing and regulation preventing unscrupulous individuals from exploiting your willingness to snort speed.
Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 005
I am in a terribly good mood today because I invented a Facebook meme involving the phrase HA HA SUCK IT BITCHES GAMERS 4 LIF3!!!!!1!!!! which as you have no doubt realised is a piece of pure genius. Sure it’s not actually contagious in any way but even a failed virus is a virus and in my tiny group of two we had a ball with it for the space of five minutes thus I am in precisely the kind of upbeat mood to appreciate the good things in life as celebrated by run on sentences exempli gratia
Precursors to precipitation are provided to we the beneficiaries by an extended chain of incredibly complicated chaotic climate causation which we will never ever understand in its entirety - for free. To me that seems like a pretty good deal, in fact I do not hesitate to call it perhaps the greatest deal of all time. The very next time you are not feeling the last measure of feeble life-force leeching from your body as the Overlord Solus devours all that you are you should think to yourself “thanks clouds”.
Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 004
When your life is all kittens and rainbows and people cooking you dinner it is quite hard to remember to count your blessings because you are in no need of cheering up due to being excessively happy all the time. Thankfully good times pass just as readily if not even more readily than bad so you will soon be back in the correct frame of mind for appreciating the finer things in life to wit:
No matter how hot or cold it is or how many unpleasant surprises the universe has rained down upon you tea will always be there for you. It lives in the cupboard or other ambient dry place, preferably in a neat little tin properly called a canister, and just awaits your need. It is unassuming and does not put itself forward; it just wants to love you.
And love you it will. When you are all boo hoo my boyfriend left me and you are unable to see that this is probably a good thing since the villain clearly has no taste or maybe it will teach you not to be so god damned emotionally manipulative and drive men away all the time which is a valuable life lesson, tea will bring you comfort; help restore vital fluids lost to e.g. crying everywhere; warm or alternately cool by sweating your chilled/fevered body; and also taste delicious.
Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 003
Do you know, it is Tuesday and due to illness I cannot go to Terrible Movie Tuesday as per my weekly schedule. This makes me deeply unhappy but as sudden movements make me vomit deeply I feel it is best to remain here and count my blessings. From their legion-like numbers we today select:
Our friends of the feline persuasion are unutterably precious and for the privilege of wandering around on the same planet we really should be forced to pay a subscription fee. Some people say they don’t like cats but what they really mean is they do not get cats and by that they mean either they have never experienced cats, have never had anybody patiently explain cats to them, or are maybe just a bit thick, because cats are not really for anything, they are just awesome on their own.
Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 002
If you are a clever sort who has twigged to my little game already, you will know what I mean when I say that I am thankful for so many things today. Top of my list is:
The ability to walk into a pub, pick a random stranger, make eye contact, smile, shake hands, say your name, and have a friendly god damned conversation without further ado is seriously undervalued. You only have to go somewhere this is not standard practice, like Paris, or the Netherlands, or That Dank Corner of the Cranker at Half Past One Last Night, to realise you have been taking this gem for granted and perhaps you should part with some cold hard cash for the privilege.
Things That Aren’t Worth Any Money But Should Be: Part 001
In my ongoing campaign to be happy and cheerful and a people person, as opposed to the socially misaligned, reclusive shell of a human being I am now, I intend to count my blessings. Starting with:
Hot weather is so good that they really ought to charge admission. If you want a bit of this thirty-five degree action, you should have to pay up, because it is too good to just distribute to the plebs as happens now.
If people had to pay a dollar for every minute their bodies enjoyed a natural ambient temperature (for we are tropical animals) then there would be a lot less complaining about it, because everyone would see it as a premium item to be coveted and obtained. I get terribly upset when people moan “oh it is forty degrees in the shade and there is no breeze and the humidity is killing me” because THIS TOO SHALL PASS and then it will be absolutely bloody freezing again.