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The Friend Zone & The Women I Fear

There’s been quite a lot of discussion on Twitter today about the friend zone, sparked off by a woman sharing a monstrous email from an apparent basket case she went on a date with.

It’s frustrating for men to be thought of as friends when they’re pursuing romance, and it’s frustrating for women to be thought of as romantic objects when they’re pursuing friendship.

There are a lot of complaints on both sides - the usual generalisations and over-simplification that occurs on the Internet. “Men and women can’t just be friends.” “Women deliberately lead men on by flirting all the time.” “Men think everything is flirting.” And so on, and so forth - completely missing the fact that every interaction between every pair of individuals is unique.

Anyway I wanted to say that I don’t have this problem. I never have to tell men that I want to be just friends. Part of this is being perceived as a lesbian (I’m not, but it’s a convenient label), and part of it is being so very committed to my partner that I never, ever shut up about her.

But it’s also that very few men ever think of me as anything but a friend.

Some women seem to feel they have to take on traditionally “masculine” modes of interaction to end up in the bro zone; this simply isn’t true. Making crude sexual jokes isn’t required. Trying too hard to be “one of the guys” can make men uncomfortable in your company; they can’t forget about your gender and treat it as a non-issue when you keep harping on about sexuality, a thing which highlights gender and sex issues, can they? Besides, it is just not true that all guys sit around being explicitly obscene all the time; why is there this belief? They have hobbies and brains, you know.

So that’s not how you eneter the bro zone. I’m not sure why I myself end up in the bro zone, actually, but I have a suspicion, and that’s where this gets quite hairy and I am going to be very, very delicate.

First of all let me state, unequivocally, that women should be able to dress and act as they please and be free from romantic and sexual overtures. Women do not exist purely as they relate to men, and the things they do should never be read as being oriented towards anybody but themselves.

But ask yourself this: do the men (and women) you want to be just friends with ever see you in your tracky dacks, without make up? Do they see you walking the dog in jeans and a t-shirt, with no jewellery? Do you ever leave the house without dressing to the nines, painting a face on, and distributing precious metals about your person? Do you ever just go casual, where casual is genuinely casual and not just a fashion term meaning “Calvin Klein’s latest range of off-the-rack”?

Because many people, both men and women, find it impossible to see you as a genuine person who might like to watch a DVD, throw a ball around a park, go on a winery tour - whatever - when you’re constantly obsessed with always looking perfect.

A disclosure: I don’t wear makeup beyond foundation, I usually wear jeans and a shirt, and I rarely sport any jewellery. I am hideously intimidated by women who do, and extremely envious of how attractive they look as a result.

However, I also can’t connect with them. I feel judged by them - I genuinely believe I am judged by them, most of the time, because I’m paranoid like that, or I assume they view me as furniture. How could someone so obsessed with appearances not be judging, not be categorising, others around them…?

As such, I don’t have that many female friends.

Completely distinct from the discussion of how men and women relate which sparked these thoughts today, I feel there is a dangerous, poisonous obsession with appearance among women of modern Western society which is exclusive to outsiders and detrimental to everyone. It makes a lot of money for a small number of people, and makes a large number of people unhappy.

But back to the topic: I really wonder if there is some correlation between women who can’t form friendships with males and women who take their appearances very seriously.

I’d like a woman who has trouble keeping men as friends to do an experiment where they take one of these guys to the pub, or out for coffee, or whatever, and go dressed in a really laid back manner. No, way more laid back than that. No eyeliner. No lipstick. No accessories! Three items of clothing, one bag, a pair of shoes! It’s not about not looking attractive and sexy, it’s about not looking like you spent hours shopping, plotting and applying to look as you do. As if you just threw something on, to hang out with your friends, for whom you don’t need to put on a show.

I think this will make you seem a lot more friendly, which is a pretty good basis for making friends.

4 notes

  1. mcmattybombz reblogged this from draqul and added:
    playing at home…
  2. draqul posted this