Twitter rules

Twitter is driving me crazy. I have a really strictly curated set of (private) lists I use in TweetDeck to stay on top of my rage, but there are people whom I want to stay connected with and who break all the rules.

Here, for the record, are the Twitter rules.

  1. Thou shalt not tweet because thou are bored on public transport, at an airport, or in a waiting room
  2. Thou shalt not tweet meaningless updates of no interest to anybody whatsoever “I’m having a sandwich for lunch” or “sitting down to a quiet beer”
  3. Thou shalt not tweet greetings such as “good morning everyone”.
  4. Thou shalt not post more than two negative tweets in a row, and each batch of negative tweeting must be followed by a long stretch of neutral or positive tweets
  5. Thou shalt not tweet anecdotes or arguments that require more than four tweets to complete, more than once a week
  6. Thou shalt not tweet photo after photo of the same thing, day after day, unless said thing has changed substantially, or is doing something really unusual or amusing. This applies to thy pets and babies in particular, especially if thou art a mediocre photographer
  7. Thou shalt not jump into other people’s enthusiastic discussions just to rain on their parades
  8. Thou shalt recognise that nobody wants to hear or cares about thy privileged opinion and perhaps thou would be better not proffering it at all as it does nobody any good and makes thou look like an attention grabber rather than supportive ally
  9. Thou shalt not tweet the bleeding obvious (“bad things are bad, man”)
  10. Thou shalt not be 16 to 72 hours behind everyone else god dammit this is Twitter not the water cooler
  11. Thou shalt not use more than one hashtag
  12. Thou shalt not engage in Twitter drama
  13. Thou shalt get jokes, for fuck’s sake
  14. Thou shalt take regular Twitter breaks
  15. Thou shalt occasionally read over thy own Twitter feed and recognise that thou art a very prolific tweeter and could stand to make these random observations to a real human being if thou feel the need for connection, as at present thou art just spamming feeds and feeling the empty echo of real communication. Perhaps if thou feels thy tweet is too pointless for an SMS or email, thy tweet is too pointless for Twitter?
  16. Thou shalt never, ever complain or even comment about being unfollowed, regardless of who it is
  17. Thou shalt not tweet at celebrities, or favourite the tweets of celebrities or brands
  18. Thou shalt not retweet soulless corporate banter as if thou were born yesterday
  19. Thou shalt favourite and retweet, or thou art doing thy friends no favours
  20. Thou shalt understand that these rules are flexible, and can be waived ironically, and if thou had an inkling of self-awareness and appreciation of the Twitter scene thou would already have these rules written in thy very blood, so maybe thou ought to spend more time lurking until thou can be trusted to behave like a human being

As of 2014 the entire first world and much of the rest of the globe is a networked dystopia; why then hasn’t cyberpunk happened?

The cyberpunk movement predicted a great deal of our present. It envisioned a day we’d all carry powerful, networked computing devices around on our persons.

It didn’t foresee said devices would be locked up in proprietary software; that we’d pay many times material worth to deny ourselves genuine ownership; that we’d have absolutely no clue how these devices actually worked, utilising them only on the most surface level.

The cyberpunk movement predicted a future in which we’d be tracked by corporations, have our behaviours constantly analysed, our attitudes and consumption patterns tightly controlled by those set to profit from them.

It didn’t expect us to buy in willingly rather than having this state of affairs forced upon us.

Learn to program. And dye your hair blue.